I like filling out profiles. They are fun. I change my twitter bio a few dozen times a week until I am satisfied with it. I change my AV and background pics in the same frequency for the same reason. So when I joined online dating sites a couple of years ago, I did the same thing. I changed my profile when I felt like. I noticed also, each time I change my profile, I got more or less messages and “likes”, depending how drunk I was at the time I crafted my profile. Yes. I very rarely fill out my profile or start a new profile while sober. Don’t ask.

Most of the time, I got messages telling me that my profile is hilarious and they loved it. These people only want pen-pals because they live at least 3 hours away if I drive really, really fast, and there are no traffic lights or stop signs in between. They are also often very boring people. I sometimes reply to them because I was bored. After the fourth message, I just quit replying. I am not looking for a pen-pal or a chat buddy. No. I have people to chat with all day everyday. They are far more entertaining.

You would think that a person like me who just wants to have a good time in bed with somebody have it relatively easy. Hey, she wants to hook up. No strings. She is not going to call or SMS me incessantly afterward. All I need to do is be a man.

You would be wrong. Very grossly wrong.

You know why? Because most people are idiots. You hand yourself in a silver platter and they fuck it all up. And then they get upset because they fucked up and are left out in the cold.

I get it. First message to somebody could be intimidating. Prisqua sent me a link to a guy’s profile once. She was interested in him. So she asked me what to say to him. I told her to tell him that he is hot. She started freaking out. She screamed (in text on Hangouts so it was not bad) I cannot say that!!! I am not you, HotFish!!! I just LOLed. After a few suggestions, she said, now I know why guys say, Hi, to me and nothing else. Sending the first message is nerve wrecking! I am still LOLing about that. Sorry, Pris, I love you but you do make me LOL.

I very rarely send first messages but when I do, it is usually short. For instance, a couple of weeks ago, I noticed a 27 year old visited my profile. I returned the courtesy and found that his profile was well-written. He highlighted 6 things he COULD do without instead of 6 things he could NOT do without. Of course I had to scrutinise his photos. He did not look particularly muscular or very good looking. One of his selfies showed him sort of brooding. His very first photo was of him in a pair of black-rimmed geeky spectacles. So I sent him a message to let him know that those glasses suit him. His almost immediate response was – so is no clothes but what do I know?

The rest of our correspondence showed that he was not uptight, has a sense of humour, and he did NOT claim to have a sense of humour in his profile. In person, he is hilarious. Fancy that. No, I do not even respond to messages sent by anybody whose profile claim to have a sense of humour. Another thing. People delete their profiles, come back and feel the need to highlight that as an opening to their profiles. No. Just no. This person with geeky spectacles did have a profile, we messaged each other, he deleted his profile, and a few months later, created another profile, searched me out, but nowhere on his profile did he mention he was a repeat offender. Leave that shite for face to face conversation. If you start out with, “I was here before, but I deleted my profile, so here I am ready to try again and see what happens.” No. Regardless your age, if you look like Chris Hemsworth, if you are as tall as master of the mjilnor himself,  if your opening line screams, “I suck at life” …. really, I don’t want to hook up with someone who sucks at life. No. Just no.

If we met at a bar, I find you witty and cute and I got drunk with you, and you suggest we spend the night together, I would most likely say yes. If you think you are going to skip the entire being witty and drink too much scenario, jumping straight to the let’s have sex! as a first message, you will be ignored. Why? Because your profile is most likely empty. I cannot even guess if I like talking to you. If I don’t like talking to you, I will be uncomfortable and if I am uncomfortable, sex is not gonna happen. No. Don’t waste your time telling me what you want to do because it ain’t gonna happen. Just head out to the street corner and spend a few dollars on a person whose job is to accept whatever you think is acceptable.

Sex is fun. Don’t fuck it up before you even start.